A few days ago, I took a female friend to the movies to see “Righteous Kill.” At first, she suggested that we see “The Family That Preys” by Tyler Perry. I adamantly disapproved of paying to spend two hours of my life watching a Tyler Perry film—on purpose. I applaud Perry for kicking ass in Hollywood and experiencing success on his own terms, but his movies are often predictable and feature one-dimensional characters. But that’s beside the point. After I told my friend that I didn’t care to see “The Family..,” she jokingly said, “That’s why I’m about to start dating white men, they wouldn’t mind seeing a Tyler Perry movie with me.” It was a pretty funny come back, but I wondered if a large number of black women were really considering dating white men.
However, I have a feeling that a lot of black women are considering interracial relationships due to the media’s perception of black men. If you relied on the media to tell you who black men were, you would think that all black men were jobless, criminals, irresponsible, weed smokers, cheaters, uneducated, or gay. In turn, many black women have bought into the notion that there is a shortage of good black men.
I understand what a lot of black women are going through when it comes to dating black men. I have sisters, close female friends, and I have dated black women who have discussed their issues regarding black men who have mistreated them. But what I see in a lot of cases are black women who choose to date losers. They may become involved with a guy because of status, looks, or even sex. What they fail to realize is that just because a guy has status, looks, or good sex, it doesn’t mean that his behavior or habits aren’t destructive. But black women have an innate desire to want to heal their men. And what I usually find is that women will continue to date guys with bad habits because they believe that they can change them.
However, there isn’t one woman on earth who can change a man’s behavior. I’m not saying that we can’t turn our lives around and be good family men as we get older, but that only occurs when WE decide it’s the right thing to do. So many black women continue to date the same type of guy over and over. And when they get the same hurtful results, they become frustrated at BLACK MEN—not the TYPE of men who they are dating. It’s easy to say, “I’m tired of black men, it’s time for me to date a white guy.” But I think that is myopic thinking. Because just like there are black guys who have destructive behaviors, there are white guys who have destructive behaviors also. I don’t want black women to think that dating any ole white guy will change their life. I want them to understand that dating a man with values, respect, and integrity—whether he’s black, white, Indian, Arabian, Italian or Asian, will allow them to be at peace with who they are with.
Those are my thoughts, but is it time for black men to press the panic button? Are black women fed up?
As you ponder, here are a few other notable black women who are feeling the Fever:
Eve
Kelly Rowland
3 comments:
I felt compelled to respond to this particular blog because I am a multi-racial person of color and I feel well within my rights to make an assessment as a writer and as a woman.
I am not a man basher, in fact, I've been at odds with girlfriends because I defend you all against women with ill intentions. However, as a black man you can't assume the position of the black woman because you are not one.
It isn't black women who have subscribed to negative media depictions of black men...on the contrary. It is black women who LOVE our men regardless of social conditions, political affiliation, criminal record or class status.
It is black women who have loved their sons and brothers and uncles and fathers and nephews and cousins inspite of it all. "All" being good or bad.
Black men with white women far exceed in numbers than the other way around and yes, the divorce rates may be equal among blacks and whites but the percentage of UNMARRIED black women is not only alarming and outnumbering to white women, but shameful and soul shattering.
Granted, our woman are not perfect. But there are a lot of black women who are simply tired. Not of being cheated on, left with children alone and treated poorly. Any HUMAN would get tired of that. But black women are tired of not being supported emotionally, for many black men not being caregivers of our hearts and health. African American heterosexual women are the leading carriers of HIV and AIDS. If monogamy was practiced more in our community (not to say it is in others) perhaps these statistics wouldn't be so startling. We are tired of the disloyalty. We are tired of being shamed publically by black men in said media, we are tired of being expected to be perfect all the time because many black men treat black women as status symbols, we tired of being called gold diggers....this community is just too individual. And quite frankly, as men, you are our leaders.
Have you ever dated (not just had sex with) but really dated a white woman? I haven't ever dated a white man (trying to stay down for as long as I can) but I'm definitely considering it...not just white, but Indian, Arabian, Italian and Asian. What I do know is some of my "other" friends bring a sense of normalcy to the table. Black women with white men do it for the same reason black men date white women. Peace of mind. No drama. Not, what can you do for me but baby What can I DO FOR YOU.
In order for relationships to work, there HAS to be a give/give attitude. I give so much to you and you give so much to me we are never at a loss. I don't know whose "fault" it is per se but I do know, MANY not all, but MANY black relationships operate on a take/take regime. If we are honest with ourselves we know this is true. We are ALL on burnout. Men and women.
Yes, black men do need to hit the panic button. Black women are in survival mode, self preservation mode and no, love is not colorblind...it sees the BEAUTY of diversity and love learns how to relate to things it doesn't understand for the greater good of the institution of it.
LD
I found your blog about black women interesting. Yes, the media may paint a negative picture of the black men but unforutnately that picture is not far from true life. I made a pact with myself that I wouldn't bother dating if the guy wasn't worth it and I haven't dated since then. I really don't have much to choose from. Most of the black men I come in contact do not have their business in order, and I even considered expanding my options( and I LOVE BLACK MEN). It is not us(black women), I promise you. I have standards and I'm looking a specific type of man and I usually don't see it in most of the black men who approach me. Also, I don't over generalize black men, but the majority are really not up to par. I come from a family of strong, respectable, black men , so I know they exit. Don't worry I haven't given up just yet but eventually if something is not working its time to take a different approach.
a question my friend, with no bias attached....how important is it to maintain purity in a race? that seems to be what the true basis and concerns would be behind interracial dating....please answer i just have to know where you stand. as for me...i certainly enjoy the distinctions between races but also enjoy when they mix. are blacks really in line with aryans in terms of maintaining purity or perhaps do blacks dislike themselves and welcome offspring with mixed lineage...or is it all bullshit and we are all just men and women who have been made to belive that we are so different when in fact no matter the race the puzzle peices fit just fine. on the other side what about the other story....white men dating black women. i wonder how the white women feel about that...oh yeah their cool they're dating mandingo. lol. i'm all for love....love of self (very important) love of partner and love of offspring.
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